Things I will never do since I moved to London and met loads of people who do do them

I will never wear a large checked, flannel shirt.

I will never buy a fixed gear bike, even though surely a normal bike is faster for having more than one gear.

I will never say something about south London, like, 'I know a few people who live south of the river actually', even though those people are my Grandparents, and they live in Richmond upon Thames.

I will never go to a pub in Hackney central, populated solely by white people, 30 minutes walk from my house and call it, 'my local'.

I will never arrive at a bar, buy a drink, and then talk about how five minutes walk from here is a much better bar and how we should have gone to that bar.

I will never ask you how you are getting home, and then, before you answer, reel off a list of bus numbers that go near, but not to, your house because, if I knew so fucking much about London, I would know that Finsbury Park is about half an hours walk from Stamford Hill.